Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The never ending cycle

I realize that I haven't  posted in a couple of months. I've been busy as of lately! The last two months I have been running on empty so, quite naturally, I'm out of gas. My sister is having a baby so we've been planning her baby shower. My brother is getting married so we've been making wedding arrangements. I'm graduating from college so there's a lot going on there as well. But enough about the craziness in my life.

Last week I went to Maui for spring break. This was my last spring break so I decided to have as much fun as I could before I have to ACTUALLY become an adult. It was amazing...a memory I'll have forever. I just got an apartment as well as a job so I am pretty pleased with how things are going for me right now...for the most part. Becuse there's always things that need to be improved in life. For me that thing is my diabetes. I normally have pretty tight control over my diabetes but as of recently it has been a struggle. My days have all become a blur. I check myself constantly but the number that pops up on the meter is rarely a happy one. Sometimes my best isn't good enough. And I hate it. I do not understand.

However, I know why. As I said before, I'm graduating from college soon. The last graduation ceremony I had brought bad news. I got diagnosed with diabetes one week before I graduated. I missed a week of school and had to beg to walk across the stage because of my absence. It was rough. My fear of another "diabetes type" diagnosis is so much greater than y excitement for graduation. No matter how fast I run from the fear, it seems to catch up to me. At this point I'm sprinting. Still, not fast enough. I keep picturing the nurse telling me that its not the bad kind. I keep remembering how excited I was to get a pump. But I also keep remembering how angry I was that I needed to have this constantly attached to me until a cure was found. I remember thinking this was like Bonnie and Clyde. Partners in crime. My best friend. I was happy, absolutely. But I was sad too. What if I want to be alone for a little bit? I couldn't tell my partner in crime, my best friend, to just go away for a while. Because really, I need it more than it needs me. I won't be okay without it. And that sucks.

My sensor is angry just like me. He tells me that my BG is 100 when its really 50. He laughs at me when I get frustrated with him because he knows that I don't have enough courage to turn him off. I am very aware that I'm giving my sensor a gender. It makes me feel better.

These past couple of months as well as the next couple of months can only be described in one word...Life.

I'm done complaining about the bad things. I am extremely grateful for all that I have. I'm also eternally thankful for all the things that have gone right! :) My optimism for the future is bright. I must keep moving forward. Keep smiling. And keep trying to better myself. I can do this. I really can. I believe in myself!

And its just that simple.

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