Monday, April 22, 2013

Dearest Diabetes

*Warning: This post has some vulgar language though I tried to keep it to a minimum.*

I wrote a letter to diabetes the other day and decided to post it. Keep in mind this was on a good d-day. I was happy. This is my happiness.

Dearest diabetes,
You are such a little piece of shit. I love you and I hate you at the same time. You make my skin crawl. I wish I could give you away but I would never want someone else to have you. You play with my emotions. You make me vomit (literally) and sweat all in one day. I really hate you sometimes. But sometimes I love you. I love that I've gotten used to you. I love that I don't get sad every time I see a high number or a low number. You have taught me to appreciate the little things. Today when I woke up, I was 99. I was so happy. Thought I could be in some sort of commercial or advertisement for diabetes supplies. Oh, but I hate you. I hate you for breaking my sleep. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. I know you don't make me get up but my paranoia makes me set alarms to make sure you aren't being a little bitch.  I greatly appreciate you teaching me to be more health conscious. I like to run now. But maybe sometimes I run too much. I run away my anger and fears and I keep going even when I'm too tired and I'm almost about to vomit and my legs give out. I never quit. See, you taught me that. You taught me to never quit. And I won't ever quit. Even if it becomes borderline disorderly. I can say no to that slice of pizza now. But not because I want to. It's because I'm afraid of what it'll do to my blood sugar. And I'm afraid of what my blood sugar will do to my body...and what my body will do to my life expectancy. But before you, I didn't really care about my body or my life expectancy. It's a funny thing, diabetes. You try to bring me down sometimes but I won't let you. Not for too long, anyway. Yesterday, my endo said he was proud of me. He told me not to be upset that my A1C had gone up because I had eliminated a lot of the lows he was worried about. He hugged me. He said diabetes is hard but I'm kicking its ass. DID YOU HEAR THAT, DIABETES?! He said I'm kicking your ass. So please, don't you ever think for a second that I'm not thinking of new ways to kick your ass. Operation no midnight highs is in full effect. Think you can stop me? Think again.
Much love,

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Warning: Positive Results Not Guarenteed

I have never had a problem discussing my diabetes with people that ask about it, but I've made it my business to let people know that I am not defined by numbers. You see, I've always tried my hardest to keep my numbers in range, as well as most diabetics. But sometimes diabetes doesn't play fair. My daily schedule goes something like this:

Wake up. Check blood sugar. Eat breakfast. Go to school. Check blood sugar. Check blood sugar. Eat lunch. Go to work. Check blood sugar. Check blood sugar. Work out. Check blood sugar. Watch TV.  Check blood sugar. Eat dinner. Check blood sugar. Do nothing. Check blood sugar. "Did I forget to check my blood sugar?" Check blood sugar.


Now I don't know about everyone else but most days for lunch I eat the same thing. However, no two days have given me the exact same results as the day before. Some days throw an extremely high number or an extremely low number at me, despite the fact that I did everything the same. You never know. Yesterday's numbers were 125, 205, 280, 83, 69, 105, 140, 92, 103. I shook it off. Went to bed. Woke up. And then this: 310,211,140, 96, 110, 123, 89, 101. Even though I was able to get my numbers down before lunch, I was still disappointed. Called diabetes stupid. Wondered what I did wrong. Sent this text to my best friend: "I'm so sick of crazy numbers. No matter how hard I try, something always goes wrong. Ugh! I feel like giving up." She responded: "Shannon, the first thing you ever told me about your diabetes is that those numbers don't define you. Giving up is not an option. You know that you tried your best. Tomorrow is a new day my sweet friend. Love u."


I have to keep reminding myself that these numbers don't define me. These numbers don't mean I'm not taking care of myself. These numbers are not a sign that I should quit. These numbers are just a warning sign that positive results are not guaranteed.

Note to diabetes: Bring it on!

Tuesday, April 9, 2013


Let me just start by saying that I am a very cranky lady when my blood sugar is low. I don't like talking to people and I tune out the world, at least that's what I think happens. So today during my lunch break, when a girl at work tried talking to me, I wasn't having it. She also had no idea what she was saying to me. I checked myself and a 48 popped up on the screen so I started eating glucose tabs and this is how the conversation goes:

Coworker: Woah, where did you get those huge tums from?!

Me: Oh, these aren't tums. They're glucose tabs.

Coworker: What's a sucrose tap?

Me: GLUCOSE TAB. I eat them to raise my blood sugar. I'm diabetic.

Coworker: Sounds a bit contradictory to me. Diabetics aren't supposed to have sugar. That's how you got diabetes in the first place.

Me: That's just a misconception. We can have whatever we want and I didn't get diabetes from having too much sugar. I have type 1 which is an auto immune disease that I can do nothing about.

Coworker: Hm. Your phone is ringing.

Me: It's my insulin pump telling me I'm low but I already know. Thanks.

Coworker: Wow, you really must have let your diabetes get out of control to have one of those.

Me: No, that's not true. Another misconception. It gives me better control than I already had.

Coworker: That's totally not what the hell I heard.

Me: You totally heard wrong then. Whoever told you otherwise was mistaken.

Coworker: *silence with a "you really suck" face*

Me: Well, I have to go back to work now have a good day.

Coworker: Okay, stop eating so much sugar and pay attention to your blood pressure. That might help you.

Me: Really? You should be quiet and think before you speak.That might help you. And it's blood sugar not blood pressure.

Coworker: Right, sorry about that.

While I wanted to really punch this woman in the face, I kept my composure and continued to smile at her. She doesn't know any better. I wish she did. But she doesn't. I couldn't make myself waste my breath and explain everything to her. She had a hard time comprehending.

Friday, April 5, 2013

How to Walk

Sometimes, we forget the simple things in life. We want to quit. We get so caught up with all the things that are going wrong that we forget what's most important. We don't remember what its like to keep walking! But have no fear, friends, I've got something that might help. I'll help you relearn how to walk in no time!

First, make sure your shoes are tied. Wouldn't want to trip and fall, would you?!

Then, put one foot in front of the other.


Simple. See, it's easy. You know how to do it. You've just forgotten.

Everybody loses sight of the important things every once in a while. Just get back on track, put one foot in front of the other and walk. The best part is, you don't have to walk fast to get where you're going. Feel free to take baby steps.

Lesson: When things are going wrong, remember all the things that push you to continue to walk. You'll get there, eventually. Each step puts you a little bit closer to the finish line. But you're not alone. We're in this together. Forever.