Saturday's Shenanigans

Friday night was site change night and I forgot. Are you wondering how I forgot to do something that I do twice a week? Well guess what; so am I. Anyway, here's the story.

Saturday morning I woke up checked my blood sugar-131-fixed myself some breakfast and checked my blood sugar again, 206. My breakfast was 47g of carbs. For me, that is 10.4 units of insulin. 9.4 units for my breakfast and 1 unit for my blood sugar. I used my bolus wizard, pressed act a few time and started eating. I felt my pump vibrate but I didn't bother to look at it because I assumed it was the vibration letting me know that my insulin was delivered and I should enjoy my meal. 

This is not where the story ends.

I knew Saturday would be a busy day and I'm not a fan of temporary basals so I ate an additional 15g of carbs without bolusing (which would be 3 units of insulin) to make sure I stayed a bit on the high side at least for the morning. 12 o'clock rolled around and I tested. A big "YOU STUPID IDIOT! HOW COULD YOU LET YOURSELF GET SO HIGH" popped up on the screen. In other words, one touch said "Warning HIGH GLUCOSE. ABOVE 600". I washed my hands, checked again, and then, 598. I pressed escape on my pump to see what number my sensor was showing and I got hit with a "NO DELIVERY". At that point, I wanted to just go ahead and put on my dunce cap. Out of the 10.4 units that I was supposed to get for my breakfast, I got 0.75 units of that. That wasn't even enough insulin to cover the 204 blood sugar. Millions of questions ran through my head.

How did I do something so stupid? Why wouldn't I check to make sure it delivered? Why on earth did I eat 15 extra carbs with a 204 blood sugar? Why is diabetes a bitch? Why didn't I change my site Friday night? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? 

Fast forward. I changed my site and battled with highs all day. By 7 pm I had a blood sugar of 99. I was golden. Until 8pm. I checked. 36. Please throw a brick at my head. Please do it. Right now. Please. But don't actually. That might hurt. Ugh.

I ate a snack and waited for my numbers to get back to at least 150. I set an alarm for 3 am and went to bed. I was exhausted. I couldn't fight diabetes anymore. I let it win last night. But today is Sunday. Its brighter day. I'm in control again. 

Peace.

Dearest Diabetes

*Warning: This post has some vulgar language though I tried to keep it to a minimum.*

I wrote a letter to diabetes the other day and decided to post it. Keep in mind this was on a good d-day. I was happy. This is my happiness.

Dearest diabetes,
You are such a little piece of shit. I love you and I hate you at the same time. You make my skin crawl. I wish I could give you away but I would never want someone else to have you. You play with my emotions. You make me vomit (literally) and sweat all in one day. I really hate you sometimes. But sometimes I love you. I love that I've gotten used to you. I love that I don't get sad every time I see a high number or a low number. You have taught me to appreciate the little things. Today when I woke up, I was 99. I was so happy. Thought I could be in some sort of commercial or advertisement for diabetes supplies. Oh, but I hate you. I hate you for breaking my sleep. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. I know you don't make me get up but my paranoia makes me set alarms to make sure you aren't being a little bitch.  I greatly appreciate you teaching me to be more health conscious. I like to run now. But maybe sometimes I run too much. I run away my anger and fears and I keep going even when I'm too tired and I'm almost about to vomit and my legs give out. I never quit. See, you taught me that. You taught me to never quit. And I won't ever quit. Even if it becomes borderline disorderly. I can say no to that slice of pizza now. But not because I want to. It's because I'm afraid of what it'll do to my blood sugar. And I'm afraid of what my blood sugar will do to my body...and what my body will do to my life expectancy. But before you, I didn't really care about my body or my life expectancy. It's a funny thing, diabetes. You try to bring me down sometimes but I won't let you. Not for too long, anyway. Yesterday, my endo said he was proud of me. He told me not to be upset that my A1C had gone up because I had eliminated a lot of the lows he was worried about. He hugged me. He said diabetes is hard but I'm kicking its ass. DID YOU HEAR THAT, DIABETES?! He said I'm kicking your ass. So please, don't you ever think for a second that I'm not thinking of new ways to kick your ass. Operation no midnight highs is in full effect. Think you can stop me? Think again.
Much love,
Shannon

Warning: Positive Results Not Guarenteed

I have never had a problem discussing my diabetes with people that ask about it, but I've made it my business to let people know that I am not defined by numbers. You see, I've always tried my hardest to keep my numbers in range, as well as most diabetics. But sometimes diabetes doesn't play fair. My daily schedule goes something like this:

Wake up. Check blood sugar. Eat breakfast. Go to school. Check blood sugar. Check blood sugar. Eat lunch. Go to work. Check blood sugar. Check blood sugar. Work out. Check blood sugar. Watch TV.  Check blood sugar. Eat dinner. Check blood sugar. Do nothing. Check blood sugar. "Did I forget to check my blood sugar?" Check blood sugar.

Repeat.

Now I don't know about everyone else but most days for lunch I eat the same thing. However, no two days have given me the exact same results as the day before. Some days throw an extremely high number or an extremely low number at me, despite the fact that I did everything the same. You never know. Yesterday's numbers were 125, 205, 280, 83, 69, 105, 140, 92, 103. I shook it off. Went to bed. Woke up. And then this: 310,211,140, 96, 110, 123, 89, 101. Even though I was able to get my numbers down before lunch, I was still disappointed. Called diabetes stupid. Wondered what I did wrong. Sent this text to my best friend: "I'm so sick of crazy numbers. No matter how hard I try, something always goes wrong. Ugh! I feel like giving up." She responded: "Shannon, the first thing you ever told me about your diabetes is that those numbers don't define you. Giving up is not an option. You know that you tried your best. Tomorrow is a new day my sweet friend. Love u."

ISN'T SHE AWESOME?! AND SO, TOTALLY, RIGHT!

I have to keep reminding myself that these numbers don't define me. These numbers don't mean I'm not taking care of myself. These numbers are not a sign that I should quit. These numbers are just a warning sign that positive results are not guaranteed.

Note to diabetes: Bring it on!

Misconceptions

Let me just start by saying that I am a very cranky lady when my blood sugar is low. I don't like talking to people and I tune out the world, at least that's what I think happens. So today during my lunch break, when a girl at work tried talking to me, I wasn't having it. She also had no idea what she was saying to me. I checked myself and a 48 popped up on the screen so I started eating glucose tabs and this is how the conversation goes:

Coworker: Woah, where did you get those huge tums from?!

Me: Oh, these aren't tums. They're glucose tabs.

Coworker: What's a sucrose tap?

Me: GLUCOSE TAB. I eat them to raise my blood sugar. I'm diabetic.

Coworker: Sounds a bit contradictory to me. Diabetics aren't supposed to have sugar. That's how you got diabetes in the first place.

Me: That's just a misconception. We can have whatever we want and I didn't get diabetes from having too much sugar. I have type 1 which is an auto immune disease that I can do nothing about.

Coworker: Hm. Your phone is ringing.

Me: It's my insulin pump telling me I'm low but I already know. Thanks.

Coworker: Wow, you really must have let your diabetes get out of control to have one of those.

Me: No, that's not true. Another misconception. It gives me better control than I already had.

Coworker: That's totally not what the hell I heard.

Me: You totally heard wrong then. Whoever told you otherwise was mistaken.

Coworker: *silence with a "you really suck" face*

Me: Well, I have to go back to work now have a good day.

Coworker: Okay, stop eating so much sugar and pay attention to your blood pressure. That might help you.

Me: Really? You should be quiet and think before you speak.That might help you. And it's blood sugar not blood pressure.

Coworker: Right, sorry about that.

While I wanted to really punch this woman in the face, I kept my composure and continued to smile at her. She doesn't know any better. I wish she did. But she doesn't. I couldn't make myself waste my breath and explain everything to her. She had a hard time comprehending.

How to Walk

Sometimes, we forget the simple things in life. We want to quit. We get so caught up with all the things that are going wrong that we forget what's most important. We don't remember what its like to keep walking! But have no fear, friends, I've got something that might help. I'll help you relearn how to walk in no time!

First, make sure your shoes are tied. Wouldn't want to trip and fall, would you?!

Then, put one foot in front of the other.

Repeat.

Simple. See, it's easy. You know how to do it. You've just forgotten.

Everybody loses sight of the important things every once in a while. Just get back on track, put one foot in front of the other and walk. The best part is, you don't have to walk fast to get where you're going. Feel free to take baby steps.

Lesson: When things are going wrong, remember all the things that push you to continue to walk. You'll get there, eventually. Each step puts you a little bit closer to the finish line. But you're not alone. We're in this together. Forever.

Progress

I like to think of diabetes as a disease that is always progressing. Whether the progression is good or bad, is harder to grasp. I think that you just sort of get used to being diabetic and constantly checking your blood sugar. All the things that come along with diabetes are so routine that you just don't complain about it. But then there are days when you just wonder why you had to be the one stuck with diabetes. The questions are constant and always at the back of your head but that's just it. They're at the back of your head. You don't always talk to people about it because no one really understands. Anyway, this topic of progression.

Years and years ago, if  you had diabetes, that was sort of like a death sentence. There wasn't very much technology, obviously, so the supplies to keep a diabetic as healthy as possible were very scarce. The treatments for keeping blood sugar levels steady consisted of diet and exercise. Eventually, insulin and meters came along. Then pumps and continuos glucose monitors. There are so many foods and drinks that a diabetic can have to, again, make their life as normal as possible. PROGRESS. Slowly but surely, there has been progress in the advancement of medicine and treatments for a diabetic. Hopefully, one day there will be a cure. That will be the greatest progression of all time. Diabetes makes me different than all my friends. It makes me have a quality that not many people have. It makes me who I am. But wouldn't it just be great to not be diabetic for a while?! Let's keep hoping for progress and keep fighting for a cure!

The never ending cycle

I realize that I haven't  posted in a couple of months. I've been busy as of lately! The last two months I have been running on empty so, quite naturally, I'm out of gas. My sister is having a baby so we've been planning her baby shower. My brother is getting married so we've been making wedding arrangements. I'm graduating from college so there's a lot going on there as well. But enough about the craziness in my life.

Last week I went to Maui for spring break. This was my last spring break so I decided to have as much fun as I could before I have to ACTUALLY become an adult. It was amazing...a memory I'll have forever. I just got an apartment as well as a job so I am pretty pleased with how things are going for me right now...for the most part. Becuse there's always things that need to be improved in life. For me that thing is my diabetes. I normally have pretty tight control over my diabetes but as of recently it has been a struggle. My days have all become a blur. I check myself constantly but the number that pops up on the meter is rarely a happy one. Sometimes my best isn't good enough. And I hate it. I do not understand.

However, I know why. As I said before, I'm graduating from college soon. The last graduation ceremony I had brought bad news. I got diagnosed with diabetes one week before I graduated. I missed a week of school and had to beg to walk across the stage because of my absence. It was rough. My fear of another "diabetes type" diagnosis is so much greater than y excitement for graduation. No matter how fast I run from the fear, it seems to catch up to me. At this point I'm sprinting. Still, not fast enough. I keep picturing the nurse telling me that its not the bad kind. I keep remembering how excited I was to get a pump. But I also keep remembering how angry I was that I needed to have this constantly attached to me until a cure was found. I remember thinking this was like Bonnie and Clyde. Partners in crime. My best friend. I was happy, absolutely. But I was sad too. What if I want to be alone for a little bit? I couldn't tell my partner in crime, my best friend, to just go away for a while. Because really, I need it more than it needs me. I won't be okay without it. And that sucks.

My sensor is angry just like me. He tells me that my BG is 100 when its really 50. He laughs at me when I get frustrated with him because he knows that I don't have enough courage to turn him off. I am very aware that I'm giving my sensor a gender. It makes me feel better.

These past couple of months as well as the next couple of months can only be described in one word...Life.

I'm done complaining about the bad things. I am extremely grateful for all that I have. I'm also eternally thankful for all the things that have gone right! :) My optimism for the future is bright. I must keep moving forward. Keep smiling. And keep trying to better myself. I can do this. I really can. I believe in myself!

And its just that simple.